Lost In Beauty-

Monday, May 25, 2009

So like , I've been checking with this guy for a week or so right .. & today was the day he ended it with me . He was around my school area today and just walked by me , lol. It's funny . I've been planning to do it for a weekend now , and yet he beat me to it . Well , we kind of decided on this together but Idk . It felt like he left me . I know I shouldn't be feeling sad about this , because I'm the one that wanted to end it right . Lol . Wrong . The only reason I even had the thought of doing it was because of my girl . I had a feeling she was angry at me for seeing one of her ex, checks so I had the thought . But it was hard . No matter how I tried to think it through , it didn't work out for me . It hurt me to think about it . I've cried two nights in a row , and been pretty bummy about it for a week . How am I supposed to deal with this ? He says he wants to only be friends 'cause he's not over his old old , check .. & I'm not over mine . I asked him where we stand , he tells me .. Gsibs. This is the 5th time a guy did this to me this school year I should get used to it by now ... right ? Whatever . I think I'm done with this .

the beauty exposed ;

LOL. Okay afterschool today some fucked up lady called me a free prostitute . I was like WDFOOOK ? So I went up to her I was like "Who the fuck do you think you are, calling me a free prostitute, etc." and she's all "Your language is so bad , blah blah" and then I was like , why don't don't you shut the fuck up and watch who you call a free prostitute , you have no fucking right to call me a free prostitute you stupid fucking bitch. And then my friends were like "calm down , she has kids with her " & I was like " I DON'T FUCKING CARE. This lady called me a free prostitute , fucking stupid BITCH" and then I walked `cause my sister was waiting for me LOL. Man , I tried walking up to her , but my friends were holding me back . LIKE WHAT THE HELL . I only wanted to talk to her , but I was forced to scream . 8) LMAO .

the beauty exposed ;

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I despise of what I BECAME
& hate what you've made of me.
--

I hate the fact that I have to live on my life without you.
I hate the fact that I have to see you all the time, and yet I can't be with you
Though maybe .. A few people know the truth .
You're just to blind to see it.
And the fact that I have to front up that fake smile of mine..
Is just pathetic , isn't it ?
All that I am going through, because I can't have you?
All that I am putting myself up to , because you're not with me.
I don't know what your true feelings are , and I don't know if I can go on.
I try my best to hide it , but I don't think it's working .
I put myself through so much when I'm not with you.
I've been lying to myself and everyone around me that it's not true.
That I'm not in love with you .. But I have to face my feelings sooner or later
And I honestly don't know what I'd do .. If I didn't have you.
You're all I think about day and night . First and last thought.
You're in my dreams, when I sleep .. Every night
But , I guess thoughts and fantasies are just what it is.
I have to click into reality .
And that is; I doubt we'll be together .
And besides, love ..
To me is not a word
If it's not with you .

the beauty exposed ;