Lost In Beauty-

Thursday, August 6, 2009

For the past few weeks, one of my closest boys - Kevin has been bugging me asking if anything is wrong , obviously he was right . But I couldn't let him know that .. I mean c'mon , my problems aren't worth it for him . I don't need him worrying about me . So I've been lying to him. "LOL , wdf ? There's nothing wrong" Fronting up a fake laughter, and a fakeeeee smile . " :) " . But he noticed it ... "Idk Linda, I can tell when there's something wrong, I've known you for a long time now, I know.. I can tell in your writing .. I just see it" & because of that , I've been faking and trying to convince him that nothing was wrong . I asked him , "Do you believe that everything is okay , can we drop it now ?" He told me " 70%yes , 30% No " . That was good , compared to last time .

Okay, so like the other night (the same night he told me 70/30) I was on the phone with my chi hai<3 and it was like a conversation about me and what's going on in my life , what's wrong with me , how I've been etc. It got to the point where I broke down , and I couldn't even hold in my tears. So I ended up just crying on the phone . Then , NEXT LINE calls while I was stillcrying . -__- , it was my "son" Calvin, so obviously I would pick up . I tried hiding it , but apparently I failed cause he asked me "Are you okay..?" I lied. I told him, "Yeah, I'm fine . I'll call you back later" And I did, eventually. But before I did, I was still talking to my chi hai<3 (who, might I add was being the most random a person can be ... don't kill me chi ..<3 - yeah, she scares me) but while I was talking to her , I wanted to text Calvin, " Don't tell anyone I was crying, I don't want anyone knowing. " But STUPID me used the Recently Used Texts, and accidently texted Kevin . T___T" Then , ofc texted Calvin . :) . I told my chi hai<3 & she told me I was an idiot . -___- , yeah THANKS A LOT CHI . >:( ... ( Ily<3 ) Kevin msged me back much , much later and we got into an arguement, it was heeectic like you don't even know , which made me ball out even more . T___T , him calling me a liar, me being a dumbass that I am , denying everything . Blah blah blah , Long ass texting conversation , ending in "Goodnight , feel better " .

Hmm , what to do now ? Ever since then he's beeen suuuuuuuuuuuper nice to me . Less protective . But then the only reason he was so protective of me , is because he cares so much , right ?

the beauty exposed ;

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Even though we were nothing, I still felt that we had something. There was a spark between us. I miss those days that we spent together talking I miss the way you used to hold me so tightly and hold me back so that I would always be close to you, but now it's all gone. All of it, and I don't know what to do now. I really liked you, I knew you liked me, but I didn't act upon it. I miss our deep conversations, our constant laughs, our silent times on the phone. I miss all of that, and I really do miss you. I wish time would go back, and freeze into position where you and I were still together. To the way that it was before. Why was I so stupid? I thought we had everything in control, I thought our future would be the same, but I guess I was wrong. I was about all of it, about everything. I was scared .. I didn't know what was going to happen, so I let you go. And I've lost you now, I've cried countless nights for you but what good can tears do ? It won't bring you back to me ... It won't do me any justice but yet I still sit here reminscing about what used to be , and what could've been. But it still changes nothing . And yet I know where I stand with you , what I mean to you and I know we could never be more than just that .. Though, I know there is nothing else that I can do, except to try to forget everything we ever had, forget our memories that we've created but I can't do that, it'd be lying to myself, and to my heart. Though I have to in order to move on, and I know it's going to kiill me to try, but I can no longer live this way, constantly living in my dream where you and I are together, constantly wishing that you were mine, constantly blaming myself that it was my fault you left. That I wa the one who pushed you away .. Even though it's true . Even though it was my fault you left , and moved on without me. I can no longer cry for you, wishing to myself, and hoping one day, I'd be back in your arms. I know it may not seem like this to you, but I really wanted you to know this. I wanted you to know how I felt, though I know you may not care, this is the only way I can reach out to you. The only way possible, at least, for me. I honestly don't know what to do . I've gone through countless senarios to help myself through this . But I'll just leave it at what it is . Me without you .
I miss you .........

the beauty exposed ;