Lost In Beauty-

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I know what it's like to fall in love. I know how it feels , the feeling of want and desire . You feel the need to be two instead of one. I know the feeling inside and the thoughts that go through your mind . When you're waking up every morning, thinking or wondering when the next time you're going to see that someone again. Or when the next time you're going to talk to them, or even hear their voice again. Be around them, or be with them again. You wonder. You try and go to the places where they go the most , to 'accidently' run into them, and you try to get them to notice you as much as possible. And finally after all of that waiting and wondering, you finally get to see them and you're with them, talking to them, being with them, spending so much time with them , because you don't know the next time you're going to see them again. So when you're with them, your heart pounds so hard, so loud that you think even they might be able to hear it. Why is it beating so hard? It's crying out to them, it wants you to give it to them, and you do. You're willing to do it, but your mind is unsure of it's decision. You don't know what's going to happen. Though you know it, you're blinded by them, willing to give them whatever they ask. Give them anything that they want. I've been there, I've done that. And yes, I know what it feels like and how breathtaking this feeling is. But you know ? Ialso know what it's like to hit rock bottom . I know what it's like to have you're heart ripped right out of you, and have it torn and shredded into a million pieces right infront of your eyes. To have it stepped on and trampled all over. I know that feeling. It hurts , and it's unbearable. But of everything that I've ever felt .. I've never felt that love coming back towards me.
I've never had the returning love . I've never felt that someone loved me or even cared for me as much as I have for them. And I never got that love in return . And I want it . I want to know that feeling. I want to know what it's like to have someone catch me when I fall . To know that I'll be safe with them , to know that they're down there , waiting for me , waiting to catch me , for me to fall into their arms. Why ? 'Cause everytime I fall , I hit rock bottom.. Over and over again to the point where I just want to sit there and cry . Give up all hope and stay there forever. But I don't. I pick myself back up and I force myself to climb back up. But everytime I do I get stumped by the same problem. Someone , somewhere always calls out to me, and I follow it .. Falling for them, expecting they'll be the one to catch me. Expecting that maybe they'll be the one. But they don't. They aren't. So I fall , and I hit the ground. Hard. And each time it gets harder and harder. It hurts more and more and again I get to that point where I want to give up everything I've ever worked for up . I don't want to take another look up , and I don't want to try, but I do. 'Cause I want to know what it's like to have someone willing to stand there, and wait to catch me. Wait for me to fall into their arms, so they can hold me for an eternity. To have them hold me and have them love me as much as I'll be loving them. I want to fall into someone's arms and have them care for me and be there for me. I want them to want to do all these things for me. I want to be in love with someone knowing that the same love is going to be returned to me , if not more. Knowing that they'll be waiting for me to fall into their arms and help me through it. What I want is to be in love but at the same time .. I'm sick and tired of falling and hitting rock bottom , and I just can't stand it anymore ! I want to be in love, but at the same time .. I don't want to fall in love again .

the beauty exposed ;